Being Unhappy

What I am feeling for days....Being Unhappy. Well, it's nothing new for me. I had been on secret mood swing since having a complicated on/off relationship with that Japanese girl and some confidential Family problems even if I will focus more on two way problems with either mom and dad.

What would you do if you have this problem?

Being left out and then suddenly being attended by the very girl you love and left you a lot of times and here and there. As if she never needed me if it's not about money matters. I doubt her more and more because of her unstable mind. She will not mail me a lot and will not even consider what I truly feel. She is selfish than before.

And then here's mom and dad, AGAIN. Mom threatened me that is she discovers I still have a relationship with her, she will kick me out of their home no matter what. And dad is still Mr. Unacceptable when it comes to my faith, even if I told him I don't want a fight but unconditional reconciliation.

It's very hard for me these days, citing these events could cause another great depression for me. If I am not mentally unstable enough, maybe I could end up on a mental hospital. That is if I can't really hold on anymore. Every night, all I ask for God is a simple life and my dying wish alway.

Without that dying wish, I will never have a happy future. That is why God, give me a new lease on life and have my simple wish now. A happy family, my faith and unconditional reconciliation.

Facing Dad in faith matters

It's still the same. Dad and I can't accept each other. Being stubborn to each other. And being hostile to each others' point of view. Why is it that Dad wouldn't open his heart when it comes to my religion?

I may have failed a lot and lost a lot but it doesn't mean I would follow dad entirely because I desire some things dad cannot give me. Sounds selfish? I am still selfish but not so much. I am praying that eventually, dad and I would reconcile no matter what happens.

For now, religion plays a barrier between me and dad. He couldn't believe it is happening and would play mind games just to make me change my mind. Do I have to change my mind just to appease him? Here's my take. I don't want to be a hypocrite anymore. I am tired of it. I am tired of hiding on his shadows too often. If it is about religion, I don't even need to convert him. What is he thinking all this time?

What dad told me?

It's ok to be a Muslim, Buddhist or a Protestant one but not Eastern Orthodox Christian.

I can live with it. I tell everyone now and will never regret it because God shows me the way no matter how hard I am a sinner or how hard people make a curse about my deeds to scare me.

Facing Dad

This could change my life in a split second whether for good or bad. Facing the one guy that despised me and I feared most would be interesting enough. After all turbulations that happened in a short while and the ensuing peace that happened, it could be the time to make amends with my one and only father.

I know what he wants. He knows what I wants. It's easy to be a hypocrite but not overly open actions.

Why?

Coming from a family that has a lot of "rules" and those limitations, I thought before that it was easy being a damn hypocrite since openess is very foreign to them. During my time away, at least I can have this lasting true peace with dad, since I don't want to wait for things be gone before him or I would be last on the earthly life.

Who knows? He would accept me for who I am..