Being Unhappy

What I am feeling for days....Being Unhappy. Well, it's nothing new for me. I had been on secret mood swing since having a complicated on/off relationship with that Japanese girl and some confidential Family problems even if I will focus more on two way problems with either mom and dad.

What would you do if you have this problem?

Being left out and then suddenly being attended by the very girl you love and left you a lot of times and here and there. As if she never needed me if it's not about money matters. I doubt her more and more because of her unstable mind. She will not mail me a lot and will not even consider what I truly feel. She is selfish than before.

And then here's mom and dad, AGAIN. Mom threatened me that is she discovers I still have a relationship with her, she will kick me out of their home no matter what. And dad is still Mr. Unacceptable when it comes to my faith, even if I told him I don't want a fight but unconditional reconciliation.

It's very hard for me these days, citing these events could cause another great depression for me. If I am not mentally unstable enough, maybe I could end up on a mental hospital. That is if I can't really hold on anymore. Every night, all I ask for God is a simple life and my dying wish alway.

Without that dying wish, I will never have a happy future. That is why God, give me a new lease on life and have my simple wish now. A happy family, my faith and unconditional reconciliation.

Ravanica

Ravanica (Serbian Cyrillic: Раваница) is a Serbian Orthodox monastery on Kučaj mountains near Ćuprija in Central Serbia. It was built in 1375–1377 as an endowment of prince Lazar of Serbia, who is buried there. The Ravanica church is called the birthplace of the new artistic movement "Morava school" because of architectural and artistic features. It is original blend of the Mount Athos and the cross-in-square five-domed model that became standard in the time of King Milutin.

I want to go here in the mere future with my future wife. It is one honor for me to visit here. Of course i choose the name Lazar when i would be baptized in the future. I saw in this saint that he desired a heavenly kingdom than an earthly one. No one can make that desire but in our small ways, we can.

For example, i desire to have a heavenly family and even if i am not that of an angel, i will make that promise of teaching my wife and children what a true and happy family would mean. I may be idealistic but no one can deny this heavenly promise. It makes me think more of my desire to achieve what God really taught us. Humans do make mistakes but those who desire a happy family and a true Christian one would mean God is with us through every hardships we experienced.

Moja vera, moja familija, moja budućnosti

Despite writing some entries about religion, politics, culture and others, i haven't mentioned if my future is uncertain. One thing in my heart is for sure. I will be a good father someday, teach my children true Christian values, make passionate and true love with my last girlfriend and future wife(hope so) and uphold the virtues of what God taught me through priests and teachers.

I won't even hide i thank my teachers from the high school i went through. With all the joys and pains in my life, they instilled in me what i need to be. A survivor and upholding a true Christian within me despite my imperfectness and my sinfulness.

What i will learn through my next spiritual father when i get baptized to God's original church will mean everything in my continuing process of maturity. For now, i am still immature enough to stand for my faith and my future. Despite all the challenges i am having, i hoped to inspire others that have the similar case they also have. Because every life has a story to tell. When i become a Pravoslavac, i will take the name Lazar and everyone will mention Lazar, Lazara, Lazaru and any additives.

I hoped that one of my male sons will be named Srđan, the name of the Bosnian Serb hero named Srđan Aleksić who sacrificed his life for his Bosniak friend's life, like how i wanted to teach my children human compassion. And whether i will stay here in Japan or marry a Serb and become a naturalized Serbian citizen, i will accept what responsibility God will give me in the future.