Nothing is left

Writing blogs from the Ukrainian conflict to the ISIS, I enjoyed writing since it's my inner talent. But with that said, is it worth I live only for this? Can't I have a better personal life? All I hope is a happy family but still, I don't even get signs from God not even one. Last week had been one of the most difficult parts in my life. I cried a lot and never got the love I am expecting from her. Even at work I almost cried, due to the pressure of lending her money but at the expense of not getting appreciated or love because of her multiple excuses she doesn't want to talk to.

Threatening to commit suicide if I don't give money or leaving me if I mail her too much, it's so depressing that she ignored my feelings. If I attempt to talk with her, she would make foolish excuses that she is tired and wants a breakup if I mail her aside from evenings, which I feel she never tells something to me.

Selfish and stubborn girl as she is, if she knows I am just waiting for her to love me unconditionally. I never told her she's selfish but she tells me regardless of how good my intentions are. I feel worthless and a lot of times, fighting the thought of suicide just to die naturally or from depression. I am hoping that God never takes her away from me because I am praying every single night so that I can reunite with her.

I still have tears on my eyes and is waiting for a friend to have a heart to heart talk with me to burst into tears once I tell how I am suffering emotionally while she never thought I am, citing a busy schedule as a blatant excuse.

Nothing is left in me if she leaves me or kills herself.........

Being Unhappy

What I am feeling for days....Being Unhappy. Well, it's nothing new for me. I had been on secret mood swing since having a complicated on/off relationship with that Japanese girl and some confidential Family problems even if I will focus more on two way problems with either mom and dad.

What would you do if you have this problem?

Being left out and then suddenly being attended by the very girl you love and left you a lot of times and here and there. As if she never needed me if it's not about money matters. I doubt her more and more because of her unstable mind. She will not mail me a lot and will not even consider what I truly feel. She is selfish than before.

And then here's mom and dad, AGAIN. Mom threatened me that is she discovers I still have a relationship with her, she will kick me out of their home no matter what. And dad is still Mr. Unacceptable when it comes to my faith, even if I told him I don't want a fight but unconditional reconciliation.

It's very hard for me these days, citing these events could cause another great depression for me. If I am not mentally unstable enough, maybe I could end up on a mental hospital. That is if I can't really hold on anymore. Every night, all I ask for God is a simple life and my dying wish alway.

Without that dying wish, I will never have a happy future. That is why God, give me a new lease on life and have my simple wish now. A happy family, my faith and unconditional reconciliation.

Goodbye my Baby

The waning days of February and early days of March was the lowest point of my life. Not just i lost everything but i feel more alone and unimportant. Instead of writing in my blog on those days, i feel vulnerable to depression. And i lost my baby because my girl had an abortion and broke up with me. I feel so depressed and i cried so much because she wants to give up a life she and I created because of a promise.

Since that arguments, i am so depressed that i don't want to live anymore. March 9, 2015, the last time my baby breathed until he was no more. That part of my life made me more angry at myself and i feel prone to crying very hard when i talk about it with people so close to me. As i write this article, i feel crying deep inside my heart that this is a result of my incompetence and being too idealistic while i wasn't able to protect her from the painful words of evil persons and the temporal world's insincere.

I thought it was a happy ending but it flamed out like a hot-air balloon. It is just despite her words that she doesn't love me anymore and don't talk to me, i still love her. I don't know why i still love her. It is just i am too kind to betray my feelings or too emotional to break everything.

I hope prayers for my little angel would be heard by God.

I wish that God enlightened her mind now and make her realize i never left her despite her mistakes. All i did is to love and hoped for a happy family no matter what challenge I encounter.

Every time i pray for my angel every night, i simply cry out of emotional pain and it's very hard for me to bear it.

Goodbye Masahiko, my little angel.

How does it feel to lose someone important?

I've been through this situation a lot and i want to share my experiences. I lost friends, family members and most especially, my future. It could be hard for most people but this is what i have to tell everyone.

Most of the time i am heartbroken, so i am not new to these things. I lost opportunities because my past girlfriends would break up with me for no good reason. I felt there reason is just my young age and immaturity. I don't know if asserting myself would even up everything now. I lack the power so, it frustrates me a lot because i am often powerless. I wish now i have unlimited power so that, it will never happen.

What i am doing now is taking opportunity after opportunity and become much of an opportunist these days since i am tired of losing. I lost like, 4 girlfriends and all of them had been hard to me. I almost killed myself and i  lost the will to live. Now, i could be facing another loss and i don't know what would be me if she would leave me for another selfish reason. If that's the case, i would swim again in depression and i may suffer much worse emotional breakdown in succession.

Depression is slowly killing me

The past few days are a killer to my already battered emotions. Even if i tried my best to hide my depression from most people that know me, i have to tell everyone. Hiding this won't help but would develop an emotional death if unchecked. Some friend of mine told me that medicines would be harmful even if it is prescribed by professional doctors. If i would take some of those, it is not far i will be another Michael Jackson or other celebrities that died from too much stress.

About my family, they still like to put the clamps on me and not let me break out from shell. The reason i see life a game, unless someone would love me sincerely. I put my anger and sadness from my parents to my speed for my work even if it is difficult. Most people see me as a dedicated man for my work regardless of where i am into. Yet, when someone i truly love is not giving me enough time to be there for me emotionally, my depression would trigger.

As if, i want to cry and cry until that day would come i will be a man. When i get depressed, it is so much to be ignorant. My right wrist is in a lot of pain but mom thinks i only want sympathy. It caused me to break down secretly. Now i know my mom is not someone to support me. Dad either who sees my everyday life as a suspicion. My sister is somewhat of a gossip girl and i won't even want to open up this to my family because they don't understand what i truly desire in my life.

I have a more difficult relationship with someone like a complicated Facebook status. I won't specify but it kills me as well. If she doesn't give me that emotional lift, i would rather withdraw myself from society more and more. If she will not talk to me, i would rather ask God to have my life cut short by a brutal accident. Like how i see those graphic Romanian accidents on a highway and funerals i wished i am the person inside that coffin and those who truly cared for me till the end will cry that i am too young for this.

Whatever future i will have, i desire the future and not my past and my present!