I hope my little angel sees my new found power

There are times I don't want to shed tears or to remember what happened on that fateful year but there are times as well it lures me back into oblivion for a day. Guess it.

Yes, my little angel.

I am improving my life and I am more careful. Yet, behind my smile and obvious hardworking mentality, there exists a whole deep in my heart no one can fix nor permanently cover, only true love can cover it 99%. Whenever I try to enter/desire a relationship, I hope that the girl I would meet would understand what I gone through and love me regardless of my obvious past. Love is not an easy thing when you came out of a bad dream.

I am falling in love with someone but I don't want to make mistakes nor enter a dangerous relationship because even if I take responsibility, the girl may break my heart again. The more I don't want to enter a relationship or simply go away from those women, the more I just want to be alone, remembering my little angel. The only time I can shed tears and to think more if I am really worth for someone.

Yet as I remember him, I am also starting to find my inner powers. It's incomplete yet but I know to inspire others no matter how hard life is, there's second chance for us. We are humans, we may commit mistakes but because of that, we learn and grow. We change for the better. That's evolution! The more I discover this power, the more I can make people happy and it could be the reason I am living my life to the fullest now.

Depression is slowly killing me

The past few days are a killer to my already battered emotions. Even if i tried my best to hide my depression from most people that know me, i have to tell everyone. Hiding this won't help but would develop an emotional death if unchecked. Some friend of mine told me that medicines would be harmful even if it is prescribed by professional doctors. If i would take some of those, it is not far i will be another Michael Jackson or other celebrities that died from too much stress.

About my family, they still like to put the clamps on me and not let me break out from shell. The reason i see life a game, unless someone would love me sincerely. I put my anger and sadness from my parents to my speed for my work even if it is difficult. Most people see me as a dedicated man for my work regardless of where i am into. Yet, when someone i truly love is not giving me enough time to be there for me emotionally, my depression would trigger.

As if, i want to cry and cry until that day would come i will be a man. When i get depressed, it is so much to be ignorant. My right wrist is in a lot of pain but mom thinks i only want sympathy. It caused me to break down secretly. Now i know my mom is not someone to support me. Dad either who sees my everyday life as a suspicion. My sister is somewhat of a gossip girl and i won't even want to open up this to my family because they don't understand what i truly desire in my life.

I have a more difficult relationship with someone like a complicated Facebook status. I won't specify but it kills me as well. If she doesn't give me that emotional lift, i would rather withdraw myself from society more and more. If she will not talk to me, i would rather ask God to have my life cut short by a brutal accident. Like how i see those graphic Romanian accidents on a highway and funerals i wished i am the person inside that coffin and those who truly cared for me till the end will cry that i am too young for this.

Whatever future i will have, i desire the future and not my past and my present!