What Uncertainty gives me

As I tell most people, I am optimistic 

 despite the crisis I am into now: not much money, helping my girl pay the debt and helping her not just financially but her endometriosis treatment, dad's religious fanaticism and the future. I just can't give up or else, I am a sore loser. That's right.

It doesn't matter to me if I face that humiliation because I had been there and I am not scared of experiencing failures. What makes me bothered is if my girl will believe in me even if in this utter state of uncertainty. 

I just know God will lead me to that place I am praying every night and never give me the challenges I cannot take. Life is like a spinning wheel. One day your in limbo but the next, you will be in that promised land.

How can I hope for a 1%?

A 1% hope is something I get, out of failures. I have to admit all the time, it's not my choice. I've got no choice. But with just a glimmer of hope I am asking from God, would he still give it to me?

About my father, I was told to approach him twice that I wanted to convert. I will try, but I know he wouldn't let me, out of preserving the family roots. I understand him and have to deal with fanaticism more fluidly. Fanaticism is my number one enemy when it comes to my faith. Let's say I love to be challenged. But dad doesn't. That's the case. Just hope he wouldn't see my bad side anymore because I am more open to him than before.

But what I am thinking more than that is my previous relationship. It seems to me she doesn't care about my problems. I am giving her every month the abortion fee remaining balance and some pocket money, just to show her I truly love her no matter how imperfect she is or how she won't admit that I am making my promises and she just can't because she is thinking too much of money.

Maybe, it is my approach when it is either my way or not, because it's still my life. Why is is that dad tells me I am effin selfish or my ex tells me to find another woman or break her up. What's wrong with them that I would downgrade them? It's not that I am downgrading dad or my ex but I am making a firm decision because this is my promise and I will never break it, all for what I owe to God and the brighter future I know I will grasp by myself with God's help.

Loss of Faith, Loss of a Family

Recently, i am trying to decipher what it means to have a family or not. Not having a family is unhealthy. Though, the current trenda in the 21st Century means more people are into what they call handsome or beautiful outside, which they don't know is bad inside.

I am not saying this even if i am a stick to one guy but it is because i felt couples these days want to be treated a virgin even if they are not. Look at Hollywood. Few relationships ended up a happy ever after. Most of them divorce and find either new virgins or new source of money.

Let's face it. Hollywood fully embraced the norms like LGBT, adulterous affairs amd other movies that destroys morality.

When will our world be pure again and free of these impurities? Impure world means a lot of people are ready to commit mistakes to grab money or to be a virgin again. Tell me i am wrong amd i will tell you to see reality from all angles.

Journey to Fatherhood

Yes, it is confirmed. I am still young but i will be a daddy. That is full time or part time as they say it now. I went with my girl now and this was a big sacrifice on my part. I will begin being a father from scratch, which is true. Every father even my dad had gone through it. But i am ready to face it all, because of my girl who is willing to go through with me all the way. People could tell me i am selfish for leaving my family behind but it is for their own sake, since every time i am there, dad or mom will open up controversy after controversy.

And God made a way for me to be here. It is just i carried three bags with my backpack and i went to the station and like, everyone is looking at me. Of course, i suffered in my own decisions. But for the good of my parents and taking care of my pregnant wife, i settled down with her.

The hospital stay in the future is tough, bills, etc, etc and etc. But with God's power, my hope for the future remains optimistic since i know deep down inside, all i want is to do good and not to harm.

Ravanica

Ravanica (Serbian Cyrillic: Раваница) is a Serbian Orthodox monastery on Kučaj mountains near Ćuprija in Central Serbia. It was built in 1375–1377 as an endowment of prince Lazar of Serbia, who is buried there. The Ravanica church is called the birthplace of the new artistic movement "Morava school" because of architectural and artistic features. It is original blend of the Mount Athos and the cross-in-square five-domed model that became standard in the time of King Milutin.

I want to go here in the mere future with my future wife. It is one honor for me to visit here. Of course i choose the name Lazar when i would be baptized in the future. I saw in this saint that he desired a heavenly kingdom than an earthly one. No one can make that desire but in our small ways, we can.

For example, i desire to have a heavenly family and even if i am not that of an angel, i will make that promise of teaching my wife and children what a true and happy family would mean. I may be idealistic but no one can deny this heavenly promise. It makes me think more of my desire to achieve what God really taught us. Humans do make mistakes but those who desire a happy family and a true Christian one would mean God is with us through every hardships we experienced.

Depression is slowly killing me

The past few days are a killer to my already battered emotions. Even if i tried my best to hide my depression from most people that know me, i have to tell everyone. Hiding this won't help but would develop an emotional death if unchecked. Some friend of mine told me that medicines would be harmful even if it is prescribed by professional doctors. If i would take some of those, it is not far i will be another Michael Jackson or other celebrities that died from too much stress.

About my family, they still like to put the clamps on me and not let me break out from shell. The reason i see life a game, unless someone would love me sincerely. I put my anger and sadness from my parents to my speed for my work even if it is difficult. Most people see me as a dedicated man for my work regardless of where i am into. Yet, when someone i truly love is not giving me enough time to be there for me emotionally, my depression would trigger.

As if, i want to cry and cry until that day would come i will be a man. When i get depressed, it is so much to be ignorant. My right wrist is in a lot of pain but mom thinks i only want sympathy. It caused me to break down secretly. Now i know my mom is not someone to support me. Dad either who sees my everyday life as a suspicion. My sister is somewhat of a gossip girl and i won't even want to open up this to my family because they don't understand what i truly desire in my life.

I have a more difficult relationship with someone like a complicated Facebook status. I won't specify but it kills me as well. If she doesn't give me that emotional lift, i would rather withdraw myself from society more and more. If she will not talk to me, i would rather ask God to have my life cut short by a brutal accident. Like how i see those graphic Romanian accidents on a highway and funerals i wished i am the person inside that coffin and those who truly cared for me till the end will cry that i am too young for this.

Whatever future i will have, i desire the future and not my past and my present!