What Uncertainty gives me

As I tell most people, I am optimistic 

 despite the crisis I am into now: not much money, helping my girl pay the debt and helping her not just financially but her endometriosis treatment, dad's religious fanaticism and the future. I just can't give up or else, I am a sore loser. That's right.

It doesn't matter to me if I face that humiliation because I had been there and I am not scared of experiencing failures. What makes me bothered is if my girl will believe in me even if in this utter state of uncertainty. 

I just know God will lead me to that place I am praying every night and never give me the challenges I cannot take. Life is like a spinning wheel. One day your in limbo but the next, you will be in that promised land.

How can I hope for a 1%?

A 1% hope is something I get, out of failures. I have to admit all the time, it's not my choice. I've got no choice. But with just a glimmer of hope I am asking from God, would he still give it to me?

About my father, I was told to approach him twice that I wanted to convert. I will try, but I know he wouldn't let me, out of preserving the family roots. I understand him and have to deal with fanaticism more fluidly. Fanaticism is my number one enemy when it comes to my faith. Let's say I love to be challenged. But dad doesn't. That's the case. Just hope he wouldn't see my bad side anymore because I am more open to him than before.

But what I am thinking more than that is my previous relationship. It seems to me she doesn't care about my problems. I am giving her every month the abortion fee remaining balance and some pocket money, just to show her I truly love her no matter how imperfect she is or how she won't admit that I am making my promises and she just can't because she is thinking too much of money.

Maybe, it is my approach when it is either my way or not, because it's still my life. Why is is that dad tells me I am effin selfish or my ex tells me to find another woman or break her up. What's wrong with them that I would downgrade them? It's not that I am downgrading dad or my ex but I am making a firm decision because this is my promise and I will never break it, all for what I owe to God and the brighter future I know I will grasp by myself with God's help.

Destiny's Play

When you give too much attention, she will push you back. If you totally ignore her, she will come back, saying sorry. She never gave me the best time but a harder one, citing my softness to create this stupidity of playing my feelings. Not being a Hypocrite, I still have feelings for her but limiting it, because she might repeat it again.

It's annoying that she is like that and still can't get what she did. I realized my own mistake and that is being too undecisive because people push me so much that I tend to crumble too often that I failed to live up to the expectations.

My failures I can't reverse that faster is the reason I am still soft. People will just notice I am too soft but it doesn't mean I cannot be strong in the future. Maybe, this is still my training ground although I want to graduate from it as soon as possible to practice more of an adult than a child.  I just want to deny that Destiny is making a play out of it since it is very playful and i hate jokes too often that it annoys me more than to be thrilled.

Here's the case. All of my ex-girlfriends never mailed me or only one of them rarely makes those hello but my recent ex would change mind too often. I don't really know why even if I want to move on completely.

Forgiveness is not easy to give

For the past few days, i asked a lot of friends if i made the right decision of forgiving her or not. I did but i pondered everything because I am too much of a hero all the time or sometimes, an anti-villain. What made me ponder to much is how fast she asked for it. I don't know her motives yet and if she leaves me again, I will let her be.

But if her sorry was sincere, would I wait and wait and wait until she really changed?

The thing that made me think more is if she will repeat her mistakes. I am not a hypocrite but speculates more. I do love her but I wish to see more of her actions than words.

It's not easy to forgive someone that took away something very important for material matters but my inner Heart and my weakness makes me like this always.

Loss of Faith, Loss of a Family

Recently, i am trying to decipher what it means to have a family or not. Not having a family is unhealthy. Though, the current trenda in the 21st Century means more people are into what they call handsome or beautiful outside, which they don't know is bad inside.

I am not saying this even if i am a stick to one guy but it is because i felt couples these days want to be treated a virgin even if they are not. Look at Hollywood. Few relationships ended up a happy ever after. Most of them divorce and find either new virgins or new source of money.

Let's face it. Hollywood fully embraced the norms like LGBT, adulterous affairs amd other movies that destroys morality.

When will our world be pure again and free of these impurities? Impure world means a lot of people are ready to commit mistakes to grab money or to be a virgin again. Tell me i am wrong amd i will tell you to see reality from all angles.

Making you girl BEAUTIFUL

Making your girl beautiful is very hard. Why? It is because regardless of beauty or not, she will feel "ugly" if unattended by their respective boyfriends.

Let's say that's a unique case of sensitivity or jealousy(if there is). 

For me, a young man having a pregnant gilrfriend, i always tell her to wear some showy dress. It doesn't mean to make her sexy so much but the level that your eyes will only see her as a beautiful girl especially when the couple are that young.

If some guys would have the same scenario like mine(young couple), i may recommend to make their girl wear some showy attires(miniskirt, short-shorts and others) or buy their girl with those set of attires to make them beautiful.

I just feel showing emotional love is not yet enough, because the level of jealousy is still there. Some women are not born beautiful but they can be, regardless of fashion or attitude as long as they have the right man with them.

Is this how i pay the price of true love?

Speaking of true love, i am paying the price of it. What people don't know is that i want to be with that girl no matter what. It is because i locked myself with her intentionally, meaning she will be that girl that i will live through the joys and pains. It is because i love her despite her facial defects or what people spread as a made up rumors.

However, my whole family would rather end up defaming for her look despite the fact she is Japanese. Is it fair to judge her by her face and not by her heart and desire to live? Haven't everyone noticed i am teaching her to pray and have a strong perception of life unlike before she met me? Is it that simple to choose my parents because they are my parents? Is that simple to leave someone i truly love and that very same girl that loved me more than my past relationships?

I don't took her for granted but i showed everyone i loved her despite her past or somewhat, my passiveness because i am being locked by my parents no how hard i want to get out of my leash. But i don't want to wait to have a baby with her but to build it now. I hope God make a way for me to be with her, even if it makes me lose much more. The more the pressure my parents are practicing, the more i want to go out and be with her for the rest of my life.