My hardwork will pay off!

God gives us blessings, during times we don't expect. Well, I am not waiting for it, but works hard every single day and every month, saves money. Why saving money? Of course, I am already planning for a happy family. I am happy that I can work to the zenith of my capabilities.

Men has to work hard, of course! I thank God every single day through my prayers because I am having a healthy body, I eat well, I am having a balanced body and that I have a beautiful and kind-hearted woman than will be my future.

I still have issues but, I am more prepared to go through it than before. Not just financially, but emotionally. It's been two years since I was on shackles. Now, everything will be piece of cake, if I continue to keep my guard and never, ever be complacent.

Looking forward for the next few months, and hopefully a wedding, all are firing in cylinders. Never depend on others forever,  be patient and work hard for it!

Better to Struggle than to be LAZY

It's a long way for me though. Have a lot of issues. But while I am doing this article, I suddenly smiled. Why? Bad things will come and much challenging things but with all those, I know I can break through everything that God gives me. It's somehow what I like to do.

It's my talent to write things about politics, my beliefs, my homeland or other countries or about my experiences with other people. Of course, we don't get medals or money for writing articles but I love this. This is where my struggles are shown whether directly or indirectly. It's more than what I can become but have to do it slowly but surely. There is no shortcuts in life of course. Life is not something we can be a winner by just winning the lottery.

Only God can judge me and he can see it through my faith, how I avoid or lessen my mistakes and he can see my motivation. That's why it's better I am going through this than to be on a home that is like a prison cell and where I can't evolve myself.

Realizing a lot of things

Speaking of missed opportunities all the way, just can't helped and thinking on why I am on this kind of situation. Yes, it is part of my plans but not quite because of all the things I must repair myself but in that case, I may soon pass it despite being unprepared. Why? Of course, all the things I get, a lot are helping me find out why.

It may matter as of now that I have still issues to fix but whatever it is, I will solve it by myself because now, I am starting to know how to do it, slowly but surely of course. You can't realize things when you don't know it. We are humans of course. Once we fail, we make sure it will never be repeated again. That is evolution.

There are things I got to move on from. My stupid ex, myself being a child and a lot of bad things. But while doing everything, I am making sure I don't mess up everything big time. It's not what other people criticize me or some of my inner circle does but how I solve the problem without complicating it further. It's more on timing than a final push. You can't play basketball asap without knowing even the slightest basics of the game. You have to know if you would do good or bad and if you did something bad, learn from it and work your way back into top form.

Besides my current situation, I have a lot to live for. It's also what God gave me. A fine challenge to make sure I am worthy of this mission on earth I had.

Stressed

Monday, I fainted near the station and my I couldn't feel anything on my hands. It was like one of the worst days in my life. But why? Just simple: Stress. Stress is one of my worst enemies and can affect my body regardless if I am healthy physically or I never had past history. My heartbeat was strange that time and it was like suffocating me until I collapse.

I recounted that time, Stress can affect our body through overthinking. I m thinking a lot of things and it was made worse by the uncertain future. Because of that stress, I had a 2 day vacation, which I am not fond off since I am in dire need of money and paying everything as soon as I can. That's life, you have to bear with it or not.

Just have to be strong regardless of it and pray sincerely more and more. I have to get a health insurance(I got recently) so that I would not pay that high again. Oh well, got to be fit emotionally and psychologically.

And it's not easy, it's not easy to be me

It's still hard being the person like me. Trying to live through the stress of alone but others like my sister back home would try to tell me this, that and other things. It stresses me since I am still recovering financially. Also at work, despite having a bad arm, I need to work and work more. So, it's not easy being me.

I write articles about Serbia mostly, or about religion or news anywhere but I have to focus on an article before publishing it on the internet. It sure is hard becoming the guy like me. How I wish I can focus more on everything but that's impossible. People think I am a normal superman but I am a mere human.

Also, about people's inability to see my attitude or my heart. All they can see is my appearance(Of all things they need to know about me.)

But as I say, it's always SHIKATAGANAI for me or just can't help. I live on an era that has a lot of judgemental people and a few people, willing to be my true friend. Yet, I appreciate those who helped me all the way and never letting me down. My life is really simple: waking up, eating little breakfast, working hard, no rice in the evening, pray and sleep early. But it's still not easy being me.

Gotta live with it

It's no big deal to me working with a hurt arm or psychological problems along the way. It'a true I have a hurt arm, particularly my right arm because of work but it's ok. No pain, no gain. It's literal and symbolic.

If there would be a symbolism from my right arm, it means I never back down in life no matter how little I earn or my chances for a better future. It comes anytime and I will stand up to what life brings next to me.

Keeping my faith intact

Keeping my faith intact is one of the most  difficult things that everyone thinks but that's nothing when you know it's a part of your life. We are not born here without a mission. That's what I know. And the thing is, God never gave up on us. It shows when no matter how down you are and your carrying a large cross on your shoulders, God will give you the keys to heaven once you realize everything is part of your training.

Hopefully for me, I will be born again maybe next month and after that, my start as a true believer of God's ancient faith will proceed. I may still sin or commit unexpected mistakes but God will never let me fall under Satan's traps because he loves me and I shall do my best to do what is right and just.

I have a long way to go but with God's grace and the people that gives me help financially and emotionally, I will never go with Satan's dark plans. The God I know is the trinitarian God and whom I know as the true and only Gof of Justice.

Boring Days Ahead

Typical August. Boredom, nothing to do. And I don't have much money because I spent it mostly on food and utlities. Damn, the start of an independent life is usually challenging but not spending the Summer days like this.. Boring, no friends or family members to visit... Boredom is my number one enemy.

But can I combat it with riding a bike, learning new recipes, slowly learn Japanese and Serbian and of course, going anywhere when I can.

Just hurry up Summer because I don't like the scorching Summer Heat..

Being Alone: Pros and Cons

Starting out being alone has a lot of ups and downs. I won't make this article too long since it is typically the experience of those who chose this path than to be enslaved or someone going through their ears just to be controlled by any means.

Pros:

1. Learning a lot
2. Enjoy life
3. Can go out without any interference
4. Earn eventually
5. Setting goals and making it

Cons:

1. Uncontrolled spending
2. No one to guide
3. No one to be with
4. Clueless

 There are things I haven't discovered yet but through experience, I will eventually go by it and never sway from what my mission on earth.

New life

Everyone has to go through these things in life. It's actually just my second time but this one, I am all alone. Yeah, some people can help me but I can develop myself starting from now on.

Have a lot to learn.

A lot to cook.

A lot to earn.

A lot to fix.

and etc...

All those stuff that I haven't done when I was there, now I can do it with my bear hands. It's not about bragging everything in a swipe but, who knows what can happen next. Whether you like it or all of a sudden, you just have to do it carefully than a grand scheme that turns out to be nothing.

I know God has plans for me

Despite the obvious hell on earth I am going through, God is still there. It is just I am impatient all the time. The way I am suffering could be the way I will not suffer in the future. God knows all I want is to have a happy family. That's right. Happy family.

Losing my child doesn't mean I turn away from God. It may be the way I never give up despite all the real life turbulence I am getting in this temporal life.

I am slowly realizing that depression can awaken the warrior inside of me instead of making me give up. There are times I tried to give up but God, through my confessor and a great priest keeps me alive by a prayer.

I am a sinner by my own terms but it doesn't mean I turn away from God. People tend to forget God just because they lose money or their loved ones. Me? I have a long way to go. I hope God answers my prayers that I can have a biological child with her and marriage at the same time. It's not on my intentions to publicize my story but show to everyone, don't give up and God will never leave you because your alive and well.

What Uncertainty gives me

As I tell most people, I am optimistic 

 despite the crisis I am into now: not much money, helping my girl pay the debt and helping her not just financially but her endometriosis treatment, dad's religious fanaticism and the future. I just can't give up or else, I am a sore loser. That's right.

It doesn't matter to me if I face that humiliation because I had been there and I am not scared of experiencing failures. What makes me bothered is if my girl will believe in me even if in this utter state of uncertainty. 

I just know God will lead me to that place I am praying every night and never give me the challenges I cannot take. Life is like a spinning wheel. One day your in limbo but the next, you will be in that promised land.

Good Friday and my roadblocks

I may discuss things here, there. But nothing really changes in my style. Freeflowing, short but with the best meaning available.

When people say Good Friday, one thing comes into my mind. The death of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ. Yes, It's true. I am still observing Good Fridays. But with heavy work and constant hunger, i just need to eat little rice and to think of my weight as well. And I would watch Orthodox Christian chants in Youtube or have a day-off from political or personal life.

Back in my childhood, I would not eat any poultry meat, not take a bath after 3pm(Philippine version of Catholicism), go to church and watch a movie about Jesus on the television.

Nowadays, I would listen to Good Friday chants of the Orthodox church(Serbian, Greek, Syriac, Arabic) and of course, my daily nightly prayers to commemorate this important date in the Christian liturgical calendar.

Having roadblocks in my life is pretty hard though since I tend to crumble emotionally when i feel depressed. And sometimes, I just want to say to God to take me now because as if my life is nothing without my ex-girlfriend or if my parents would not let me do the things I wished to as long as I don't harm anyone. Let me say this, my intentions are so clean that people would just take advantage of me no matter how hard I want to be pure.

But despite my continuing sorrow, maybe God still wants me to live and find a way to make myself independent and find what is truly for me. We are alive for a lot of reasons but all I can think is that Christ sacrificed himself by dying on the cross for our sins and to save our souls from going into the depths of Satan.

It's true, I am clueless in my life now but, all I want is to live and ask God for forgiveness and thanked him that I still have a mission to make here on earth.

Beong too Soft

All the time, people criticize me for being too soft. Ok, I acknowledge being soft but does it make sense when they know that i am fighting so that i can erase the "soft" label on me and they see me as doing nothing? 

People realize what you are doing only when you play the hero for everyone's sake. Only when you do a physical good.

Against the 21st Century apathy, people just can see your ignorant even if your not. See? I am still right. Giving yourself a bit of tension to learn how to fight could be the best way to shed the "soft" label than to pretend your strong. People these days may need extracurricular classes and i am guilty of it as well. No jokes but it is what i truly need if i want to survive in a brutal and unfair world of adult life.

Better Die Trying than to be Ignorant

Depressive as I am, i want to live my life, according to my principles regardless of my family or my status in society. Why can't i be happy if i only desire what is right and what is love? 

When people say it's me, they think i am weird or something and that's what they think of me. I can't do anything with that because it's their perception of me. Anyways, it's better to try than doing nothing. I will die than being ignorant all the way. If i have a personal battle against apathy, then be it. Death is part of life but if you know you don't do anything bad, then go for it.

God gives you challenges to overcome eventually. Sometimes we think he doesn't take action or he is sleeping on us. But despite it, we still have to pray for guidance and strength because we, humans will do the talking often, God is there because he will not let us down all the way.

Live On!!

It's over for me again. I lost again. But it doesn't mean that i will jail myself forever in my hell. I slowly realized from my friends that moving on is the greatest thing i can do now and not hope on a person that trashed me despite my feelings still there.

I still admit i have feelings for her but the way she trashed me(argued with me, breaking me up, aborting the baby i cherished for and replacing me while making me pay an abortion debt) made me feel frustrated and time to leave her totally because i already felt she doesn't want a family and that i heard from her friends that she doesn't want me anymore.

Moving on is hard but i must do it. I want to take my close friends by mentioning their initials(GC, JY and others) and for making me realize that life still there. Now, i must focus on my faith and my family and if ever she comes back without any conditions, i will leave everything to God.

Criticize me

A trend by some of my family members and former workmates who does not have a good relationship with me are those questioning my motives in life. And some trolls that would see me as Justin Bieber or Anime freak who are often annoying and never saw my true motives even once...

I never knew how much my life would change on a snap like this. This is somehow God's challenge for me to become better and not to be worst. Sometimes i am underperforming, it is because i am swallowed by lofty expectations to do more and to "follow" their rules which is somehow, annoying to me. Annoying? Of course!!! It is because they never read books that will lay claim on my proof or they would dismiss it as "baseless" or no need to take account for.

A friend told me that fight for your beliefs no matter what he or a lot of people said. That conversation made me more willing to go through the hardships than i wasn't able to do before even if i am a daddy. It is to say that despite the consequences i will face, i will face it with my heart and my determination.

Are you taught to hate someone?

Why people hate one another? Because of race? Because they want money or religious membership to increase? I am not confused but just wants to remind everyone. Right now, i am suffering from perceived hatred by my countrymen on me, for choosing an "ugly" girl for them but a girl that desires only love and acceptance. Where can you find that girl that gives up herself to the only man that will see her efforts for him?

In this world, i say NO. Why no? Because people these days want to get rich and yet they are stuck to the paradigm to step on someone's desire of what life they want.

Maybe, education plays a role and also, upbringing. I didn't hate because of face. I hate because of wrong political stance or those who want bloodshed only. My desire to love more is somehow a result of warchig some heartwarming videso in the internet and one anime that shows how to love and accept no matter what problems would happen.

Problems like these occur because of selfishness. Only selfish people will choose to get famous or rich by stepping on someone's dream, which is damning because they only take what would benefit them.

Unless the world sees my fate, this cycle of hatred will continue.

I wanna go to Beograd!

My personal goal to eventually visit Belgrade is very much intact. I couldn't wait for that future when i will meet some people in Srbija. When i have the chance to live there, i want to roam around the city as well, from the monasteries, churches, buildings, parks and basketball games by KK Crvena Zvezda or KK Partizan.

I would like to feel the beauty of the city itself in my heart via going to church every Nedelja, watch a basketball derby, walk and ride through the beautiful places and, meet my Srbi prijatelji there eventually.

I am too optimistic when it comes to be going there in the future but i hoped that, it will be a reality. For a foreigner that uses a Serbianized name on his Facebook, it would be a pleasure to go there and live for 2 weeks and hopes to meet my future wife there. I would be happy if i can see the Beograd version of zima and if i have a girlfriend there, take some selfies with her, flanked with perpetual snow all over.

Whenever i think of Beograd, only good things come to my mind and not some negative things. It is because despite the wars and natural disasters that plagued/razed it, it is being rebuilt faster like a resurrection of  Phoenix. In short, Beograd is the true Phoenix in Europe.

So, let's feel srećan or happy when we eventually meet there in Beograd and let's cherish a Serbian life to the fullest!