How can I hope for a 1%?

A 1% hope is something I get, out of failures. I have to admit all the time, it's not my choice. I've got no choice. But with just a glimmer of hope I am asking from God, would he still give it to me?

About my father, I was told to approach him twice that I wanted to convert. I will try, but I know he wouldn't let me, out of preserving the family roots. I understand him and have to deal with fanaticism more fluidly. Fanaticism is my number one enemy when it comes to my faith. Let's say I love to be challenged. But dad doesn't. That's the case. Just hope he wouldn't see my bad side anymore because I am more open to him than before.

But what I am thinking more than that is my previous relationship. It seems to me she doesn't care about my problems. I am giving her every month the abortion fee remaining balance and some pocket money, just to show her I truly love her no matter how imperfect she is or how she won't admit that I am making my promises and she just can't because she is thinking too much of money.

Maybe, it is my approach when it is either my way or not, because it's still my life. Why is is that dad tells me I am effin selfish or my ex tells me to find another woman or break her up. What's wrong with them that I would downgrade them? It's not that I am downgrading dad or my ex but I am making a firm decision because this is my promise and I will never break it, all for what I owe to God and the brighter future I know I will grasp by myself with God's help.

Living through the pain

I admit it a few times. I am weak often. This is not what i grew up to be but maybe God made me this to learn some things in life. As i grew up and become more of a man, i want to reflect as well my experiences with the word pain. I've been through it so i knew the grandest stage of them all.

During my heart brakes when my Filipina girlfriends left me often for no good reason at all. I don't want to live single but i keep on hoping. Maybe, God wants me to be a monk? But i say no because if i would be a priest, i must be married first. If that would be the case, hope God understands i will be living an amazing life through these temporary women till i will find my future wife. I may be selfish but, i am praying to God if what would be a future for me as long as i will have that desired family.

I am also a victim of bullying. I never mind to be a victim of bullying but i am hoping that one day, no more bullying will occur to everyone. I am having as well with dad but occasionally and hopes that he will have a change of heart. All i want is all things good for everyone and not bad.

Or even seeing dead people on the internet makes my heart worry as well. What else could i worry? Of course i have problems within. So, i can only do  is to pray for my forgiveness but also, my future. I won't even want to end my life on someone's terms but on my own terms: a peaceful and happy death with the people surrounding me on my deathbed. I hoped when i die, those friends of mine and family members will be there.

When i am sad, i want to die. But everytime there is a person that will motivate me, my wish to die early is being overwhelmed by those that wants me to live an amazing life. Who knows? I will share my story of living through the pain to this desolate yet just a sleeping world. I only want the world to know how i wish this place we lived in is a better place for all. May God help us through the pain we experience.