When will i become a father?

How many times i told my chatmates and close friends i want to become a father anytime. I felt time is running out even if i am just 22. Because no girl would want to have a future with me. I may explain some because it is hard to understand me often.

When i chatted with an ex girlfriend, i told her i regretted that i am going here to Japan before having her pregnant. A circumstance was that, she was attending a school play and she couldn't do it with me even if she desires it. That was disappointing to me because three months later, my parents made that stupid effort that broke me and her. I felt my parents were not trustworthy when it comes to my relatioships.  I was like two years having no girlfriend.

Then i met a workmate that made me more disappointed. Not being able to make one and later my mom put an end to this relationship by creating a falsehood, making me against her till i found out the truth, that was late was somehow grueling to me.

I was 19 and 22(i am currently) and some of my colleagues or close friends have babies already. It makes me a lower person, seeing them happy despite not having a job like mine that i support my extended family but i cannot have my own future. I don't know if God doesn't want me to have a baby of my own.

I often relied on some to get a pictures, out of envy that i can only have a baby on a picture. I may post it on facebook but it doesn't mean it is my own baby.

I wish that day will come, on a woman i truly desire and to be with in the future.

Living through the pain

I admit it a few times. I am weak often. This is not what i grew up to be but maybe God made me this to learn some things in life. As i grew up and become more of a man, i want to reflect as well my experiences with the word pain. I've been through it so i knew the grandest stage of them all.

During my heart brakes when my Filipina girlfriends left me often for no good reason at all. I don't want to live single but i keep on hoping. Maybe, God wants me to be a monk? But i say no because if i would be a priest, i must be married first. If that would be the case, hope God understands i will be living an amazing life through these temporary women till i will find my future wife. I may be selfish but, i am praying to God if what would be a future for me as long as i will have that desired family.

I am also a victim of bullying. I never mind to be a victim of bullying but i am hoping that one day, no more bullying will occur to everyone. I am having as well with dad but occasionally and hopes that he will have a change of heart. All i want is all things good for everyone and not bad.

Or even seeing dead people on the internet makes my heart worry as well. What else could i worry? Of course i have problems within. So, i can only do  is to pray for my forgiveness but also, my future. I won't even want to end my life on someone's terms but on my own terms: a peaceful and happy death with the people surrounding me on my deathbed. I hoped when i die, those friends of mine and family members will be there.

When i am sad, i want to die. But everytime there is a person that will motivate me, my wish to die early is being overwhelmed by those that wants me to live an amazing life. Who knows? I will share my story of living through the pain to this desolate yet just a sleeping world. I only want the world to know how i wish this place we lived in is a better place for all. May God help us through the pain we experience.

Living my life to the fullest

When thinking of living my life to the fullest, one thing comes to my mind even at my early age. I know i still have  along way to go but i will make sure that every people will remember for what good i did and not my stupidity of course. I am not a selfish man actually. How i wish that i will go through the most beautiful aspect in life. I haven't reached it but when i do, i will cherish every moment, second and part of it. No one can take away my joys in life.

It is true i work in some kaisha's or live among the lowest here. True also that i am not independent yet, or i am weak. But when i get my hands on that freedom, i will use it for my future, and not for everyone else. Everyone has dreams of their own but i have. It may not come but i have sets of dreams for my life as well. Time will change me but not my heart. I will still be the guy most people knew though. The bubbling, funny guy with a big heart. I could be serious often but it is just me.

I could have my own family anytime, or be busy for most of the time but i will not change and will take by heart everything that good people instills on me. I will not make jokes in life because i am not a joker but, a lively guy. This is my time to shine and not to be held down by anyone. I wouldn't be here without everyone's help or loving hands so, i will value what they told me even if i criticize some of them because of some things.

What is important nowadays is those morals and values that our parents and school teachers taught us. It will not be hard because in things life will be angry at us but it will be our shield against those who would want to destroy us. Once we are there, we should do our best for everyone's good faith and not of someone's downfall.

Only God can judge me

Isus Hristos, uštedeti mene!

As my life is becoming more of a crossroads, i only pray at night but secretly. Dad knows something even if i don't want to tell him and everyone in my family. Despite the chaos ahead, i will make sure one thing. God can judge me but no human can.

It is an open secret that i am hiding my faith. I am silent as of now because in my current workplace, i am with mom and her colleagues. I am having a hard time integrating myself to them because i am not close to mom as of these days or to dad or to my other older sister. I would rather have spend time to close friends that know who i am truly, whether i am silent or a lively and goofy guy, trying to keep everyone united or at least, awake.

I always think of someone as of now. She is one year ahead of me but i don't know if i can enter her heart. I think i would not succeed but i wished to be with her as of late. She's my inspiration and God knows when i fall in love, i get too emotional. Emotional because i haven't controlled my emotions yet. If she will give my heart to me, i will give her true love much better than what i could do on others who left me.

Most people think i am GAY. Why? My fellow Filipinos see my Japanese style fashion as gay for them. For them, a Filipino guy should be clean cut, loose outfit and macho body. I don't have a macho body but what i can be at least proud of is that i have a girlish face, suited for my innocent heart with matching Japanese pretty boy outfits like red skinny jeans or black long vest and an earring on my left ear.

No matter what, only God can see my heart. And when i show who i am, it is he who would truly judge me. Not judge mental people or some stupid critic of my fashion sense. God knows how hungry i am to work hard for my future, my future orthodox Christian faith and, my future wife. +++

Moja vera, moja familija, moja budućnosti

Despite writing some entries about religion, politics, culture and others, i haven't mentioned if my future is uncertain. One thing in my heart is for sure. I will be a good father someday, teach my children true Christian values, make passionate and true love with my last girlfriend and future wife(hope so) and uphold the virtues of what God taught me through priests and teachers.

I won't even hide i thank my teachers from the high school i went through. With all the joys and pains in my life, they instilled in me what i need to be. A survivor and upholding a true Christian within me despite my imperfectness and my sinfulness.

What i will learn through my next spiritual father when i get baptized to God's original church will mean everything in my continuing process of maturity. For now, i am still immature enough to stand for my faith and my future. Despite all the challenges i am having, i hoped to inspire others that have the similar case they also have. Because every life has a story to tell. When i become a Pravoslavac, i will take the name Lazar and everyone will mention Lazar, Lazara, Lazaru and any additives.

I hoped that one of my male sons will be named Srđan, the name of the Bosnian Serb hero named Srđan Aleksić who sacrificed his life for his Bosniak friend's life, like how i wanted to teach my children human compassion. And whether i will stay here in Japan or marry a Serb and become a naturalized Serbian citizen, i will accept what responsibility God will give me in the future.

Breaking my silence about my preferred styles

This is for the record. I may look like a woman and miscellaneous people call me either gay and tomboy for no reason but my girly face. What they don't know is deep inside, i am born a man and will die a man. It is just i was born with a woman's face despite my facial hair and 90% body as a man. To be frank, i am tired of hearing from people that i am gay or i want a guy.

Of course, i want to have a wife someday that can accept my life as well too because marriage is both parties functioning as one and not separately. I tend to have a heartbreaking courtship of women when they wouldn't want to be my girlfriend or eventually, future wife.

Here are the factors why i look like a girl. It could be that through my Japanese and Spanish bloods running through my Filipino roots, it blended too much that instead of a manly one, it turned into a cute combination of a cute Japanese man and an aggressive Spanish woman. Or, when my mom taught me to use Ponds cream because when i was in high school, i have too many pimples or blackheads appearing everywhere because of the pollution level in Manila. Since then, i am using Ponds whenever i have or now in Japan, to combat the effects of winter drying.

So now, would everyone of you believe me now that i am not gay and i am a true man? If not, ask me directly and be enlightened enough. If you want to compare my pictures, here it is for viewing only.

December 2013

Febuary 2014

When i played basketball last April 2014

Me, riding a bike

One of my cutest pose

Feeling like singing the Bože Pravde