How does it feel to lose someone important?

I've been through this situation a lot and i want to share my experiences. I lost friends, family members and most especially, my future. It could be hard for most people but this is what i have to tell everyone.

Most of the time i am heartbroken, so i am not new to these things. I lost opportunities because my past girlfriends would break up with me for no good reason. I felt there reason is just my young age and immaturity. I don't know if asserting myself would even up everything now. I lack the power so, it frustrates me a lot because i am often powerless. I wish now i have unlimited power so that, it will never happen.

What i am doing now is taking opportunity after opportunity and become much of an opportunist these days since i am tired of losing. I lost like, 4 girlfriends and all of them had been hard to me. I almost killed myself and i  lost the will to live. Now, i could be facing another loss and i don't know what would be me if she would leave me for another selfish reason. If that's the case, i would swim again in depression and i may suffer much worse emotional breakdown in succession.

Depression is slowly killing me

The past few days are a killer to my already battered emotions. Even if i tried my best to hide my depression from most people that know me, i have to tell everyone. Hiding this won't help but would develop an emotional death if unchecked. Some friend of mine told me that medicines would be harmful even if it is prescribed by professional doctors. If i would take some of those, it is not far i will be another Michael Jackson or other celebrities that died from too much stress.

About my family, they still like to put the clamps on me and not let me break out from shell. The reason i see life a game, unless someone would love me sincerely. I put my anger and sadness from my parents to my speed for my work even if it is difficult. Most people see me as a dedicated man for my work regardless of where i am into. Yet, when someone i truly love is not giving me enough time to be there for me emotionally, my depression would trigger.

As if, i want to cry and cry until that day would come i will be a man. When i get depressed, it is so much to be ignorant. My right wrist is in a lot of pain but mom thinks i only want sympathy. It caused me to break down secretly. Now i know my mom is not someone to support me. Dad either who sees my everyday life as a suspicion. My sister is somewhat of a gossip girl and i won't even want to open up this to my family because they don't understand what i truly desire in my life.

I have a more difficult relationship with someone like a complicated Facebook status. I won't specify but it kills me as well. If she doesn't give me that emotional lift, i would rather withdraw myself from society more and more. If she will not talk to me, i would rather ask God to have my life cut short by a brutal accident. Like how i see those graphic Romanian accidents on a highway and funerals i wished i am the person inside that coffin and those who truly cared for me till the end will cry that i am too young for this.

Whatever future i will have, i desire the future and not my past and my present!